For many ostomates, the thought of dating or being intimate after surgery can feel daunting.
Questions about how to talk about your stoma, concerns about body image, and fears of rejection can create a mix of emotions. However, having a stoma does not mean you have to put your love life on hold. With the right mindset, communication, and preparation, you can enjoy fulfilling relationships and intimacy.
Here, we’ll explore some key topics to help you feel more confident and empowered in the world of dating, sex, and intimacy with a stoma.
Dating with a stoma: when and how to talk about it
One of the biggest worries for ostomates when it comes to dating with a stoma is deciding when and how to bring up the topic of having a stoma with a potential partner. While there’s no perfect time, here are a few tips to help navigate the conversation:
- Take your time: There’s no rush to disclose your stoma on a first date unless you feel comfortable doing so. Focus on getting to know the person and building a connection first.
- Be honest, but positive: When you’re ready to share, frame the conversation in a way that highlights your resilience. For example, “I’ve had surgery that’s improved my quality of life, and as part of that, I have a stoma.”
- Keep it simple: You don’t need to go into too much detail unless they’re genuinely curious. Most people will follow your lead and match your comfort level.
- Be prepared for questions: People might not know much about stomas, so be patient and open to answering questions if you’re comfortable.
Building confidence in yourself
Body image can be a significant concern for ostomates, especially when it comes to intimacy. Here are a few ways to boost your confidence:
- Focus on the positives: Remind yourself of the reasons for your surgery and how it has improved your health and quality of life. Confidence starts with self-acceptance.
- Experiment with clothing: There are so many stylish and comfortable options that can help you feel good about yourself. High-waisted lingerie, for example, can provide both support and a boost of confidence. Check out Vanilla Blush who specialise in lingerie for ostomates.
- Seek support: Talking to other ostomates through support groups or online communities can provide reassurance that you’re not alone in your journey.
Sex and intimacy with a stoma
When it comes to intimacy, having a stoma doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sex life. Here are some practical tips:
- Communicate with your partner: Open communication is the foundation of any intimate relationship. Discussing your concerns and boundaries can help create a safe and supportive environment.
- Prepare for comfort: Empty your bag before intimate moments to reduce any worries about leaks. You can also use stoma-friendly accessories, like mini bags and stoma caps, to feel more at ease. A stoma belt can provide extra security and help hold your bag close to your skin and prevent it from getting in the way, allowing you to feel more confident and comfortable.
- Take It slow: If you’re feeling nervous, take things at your own pace. Intimacy isn’t just about sex, it’s about connection, trust, and exploring what feels good for both of you.
- Experiment with positions: Some positions might be more comfortable than others, depending on the location of your stoma. Take time to find what works best for you and your partner.
- Talk to your healthcare professional: If you’re experiencing pain or discomfort during intimacy, don’t hesitate to reach out to a healthcare professional or stoma nurse for advice.
Navigating rejection
It’s important to remember that rejection can happen to anyone, stoma or not. If someone isn’t accepting of your stoma, it’s a reflection of their limitations, not yours. The right person will see beyond the bag and appreciate you for who you are. Keep in mind that your worth isn’t defined by another person’s opinion.
Finding love and intimacy after surgery
Many ostomates go on to have happy, loving relationships and fulfilling sex lives. Having a stoma doesn’t make you any less deserving of love or intimacy. In fact, your journey shows your strength, resilience, and ability to overcome challenges – qualities that are incredibly attractive.
If you’re new to dating or exploring intimacy after surgery, be kind to yourself. Building confidence and trust takes time, but the right person will appreciate you for all that you are, stoma and all.
Remember, you are not alone in this journey. There’s a community of ostomates out there who have been through similar experiences, and their stories of love and acceptance are a testament to what’s possible.
Support and Resources
For more advice and support, consider joining ostomate communities or connecting with organisations that provide resources on living with a stoma. You don’t have to face these challenges alone – there’s a wealth of knowledge, support, and encouragement available to help you embrace life to the fullest.
https://www.bladderandbowel.org/
https://crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/
Dating and intimacy with a stoma may have its challenges, but with the right approach and mindset, it can also be a rewarding and empowering experience. You deserve love, connection, and happiness – never forget that!
